I do not understand, agree with, or support people who who won’t take a compliment because they don’t believe it or won’t take a second to see how awesome they really are. This generation is full of downers and self-hating people, and adding to it isn’t helping us move in the right direction. Yeah, I have plenty of off days where I wish I talked differently, looked better, carried myself in a more gracious way, or knew more about the world, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and call myself a lazy, ugly, unintelligent person. I have control over what I think about myself and if its a negative outlook, I believe its by choice. I can NOT stand our generation in that way.
I’ve been having such vivid dreams. Three last night and it’s nearly 12 hours later and I still feel like they were real.
The first was waking up, in my dream of course, in a bed I didn’t recognize. The sheets were orange and felt coarse against my hands and legs. I was at the foot of someone’s bed, and there was a person laying under the sheets. An old friend of mine was sleeping and I nearly screamed when I realized who it was. I slowly crept out of bed and out of his room, and saw the bedroom door across the hall was open. I closed my eyes and ran, hoping no one had seen me. I heard a familiar say “What the hell?” as I found the living room and pretended to sleep on the couch. He came after me and calmly asked me what I was doing in his house. I was trembling and couldn’t make eye contact, but I said “I don’t have any idea how I got in your house. I’m sorry.” And walked out the front door.
The second was more spliced and harder to put together. I walked into a church service, the walls covered in bright pink and rainbows. I saw the altar, and a set of fuzzy stairs going to a basement. Somehow I knew the basement was basically a cat heaven and I wasn’t allergic. I went downstairs and there were so many colors and textures and mazes I could have thrown up. It was the only place I really wanted to be.
The third was incredibly morbid and hard to replay. I was at a coffee shop of some sort being served by some strange faces, and somehow things turned dark. Nobody else was in the building and I started to feel myself dying. It was excruciating and I wasn’t scared to cease existing, but the pain would not recede. Suddenly it was over and I was looking over the coffee shop from above. Some people were like holograms where I could see through them and they were almost translucent. Others were completely normal. Both types were acting normal. Someone started talking to me explaining that some of them are dead but their bodies are still in the real world. I had the ability to “click” on each one and see how they died, but each time I did, that person went through the same horrifying pain that I did. It was now my job to go over each of these deaths over and over, and document each motion and movement. I had to put these people through pain again and again. On my breaks, I was to serve both alive and dead people coffee, but I had to make sure to bring them “dead” coffee and “alive” coffee, even though they looked the same. I saw my sister in law one floor below me doing the same process, but watching her mother’s suicide repeatedly as part of her job. It was unbearable to watch and impossible to run away. Maybe I got a glimpse of hell.
There’s not really anywhere else for me to write it down that I’ll be able to find it again, so here you go friends.
I used to cry over your lack of words and touch, seeing things I didn’t want to see, finding out lie after lie about where you are spending your time, and feeling a world of distance between us. Now I cry over seeing flawless bands perform, having an perfect birthday, movies that pull me in, and my friends leaving to go home for the week.
Here’s to one month of being single and how freaking incredible it has been.
One of the most important things in my life is understanding the way my peers see me. Not necessarily so I can change the way I am or fit their interests, but I’m so curious as to what someone else sees of me. I had a conversation with a good friend yesterday about two instances where I’m concerned about what my friends and acquaintances are going to think about me. I’m not self conscious and I’m not trying to be more likeable, but that desperate desire to know what someone is thinking about me just so I can understand it better just doesn’t seem to go away. Can’t I just give it up already?
I don’t want to mistake best friend love for love love, but I want things to be in their proper place. I just have to find a place to put all this pent up affection and sweetness. It hurts me to hold on to it the way I do.